Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
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It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
The French cow says MEUX…
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
The sacred texts.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.