My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
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Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started