just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
You Might Also Like
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.