Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
So that’s what we looked like?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE