My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself