My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
You Might Also Like
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…