if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
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Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
eggs benadryl
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day