When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
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CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
If you know, you know
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.