Grow up never but we old may grow we
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[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we