[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
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When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
The Sun’s probably Asian.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
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I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits