[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
These work great until they don’t.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.