Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
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My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.