7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
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People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
LOOOOOOL
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.