rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
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My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils