If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
You Might Also Like
Not even remotely sorry.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Today’s Times
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them