Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
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Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why