In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
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Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Fries, not lies.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
good work, everybody
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
ibopfufen
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.