When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
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You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
The cashier just checked me out.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….