Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
car not found
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.