My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’m about to risk it all
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.