I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.