[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
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*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register