I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
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Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11