My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*