Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
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I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Mouse
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter