My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
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I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.