People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
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“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”