Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
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Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”