✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
You Might Also Like
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.