They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Hotels are back
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.