Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
So sick of all these stupid rules
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
How dramatic are you?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
birds and squirrels envy us