I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
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Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.