My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
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Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage