Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
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I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.