Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
When they try to steal your moment.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car