You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
You Might Also Like
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.