[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
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[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.