Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
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omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
What about a To-Don’t List?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Me if I was a dog
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
nobody’s gonna understand