[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
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I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”