[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Yes, but it was never about money
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
inside you are two wolves
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on