Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
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A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
2022 will be better than 2021
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence