*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.