TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
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Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.