Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.