Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
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I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS