ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
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lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”