Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
You Might Also Like
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes