Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
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Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am