let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
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People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
getting groceries
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”