ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
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9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees